Okay, so, I went to Target the other day and bought this awesome card game called Superfight. It's hilarious, but, of course, with Target being Target and all, it had costed me thirty solid buckaroos, the remainder of the forty-two buckaroos I had spent on my family and friends for Christmas. I also completely forgot about tax so that costed me another ten buckaroos. Anyways, before all that drama and such, while walking into the store I had passed the most dreaded Target-dwelling creature: *cue dramatic music* The CART SNAKE. It was an extremely dangerous situation! I mean, what would you do if a huge, winding serpent made of weird-smelling plastic and sharp, rusty metal came charging at you? My first instinct was to jump, so that the Cart Snake could slither underneath me and I could land on top of it, then just ride it around like those shaking bull rides at rodeo carnivals or something. But then I remembered that I hadn't taken my Cart Snake Taming: Simplified class, let alone the Cart Snake Basics 101 class, which everyone's taking nowadays. So, instead, I took my shoes off and threw them both 10 feet away, distracting the snake for a split second, just long enough for me to rip off my now-revealed legendary bright red socks.
By now, about twenty bystanders stood by, watching the fight, a few of them with the ambulance on speed dial. I don't blame them, I'm not to experienced with Cart Snake slaying. Oh! That reminds me, that's another class I need to take.
The crowd went wild as I held the socks high up in the air, and the Shopping Cart Serpent turned away from the shoes, uninterested no more, glared at me with those metallic eyes, cold and dark from the long nights of endless withering and pain. Then there was a light. A faint twinkle in the corner of it's dark black iris. This beast was no killer. It was getting its rightful revenge upon it's evil abuser. Us. We hurt them. I dropped my sword, not even knowing how it got in my hand in the first place, and knelt down. The crowd of people held their breaths. They'd never seen anything like this. No one had ever forgiven these so-called cruel Cart Snakes. Especially the wild ones.
I held out my hand, wrapped in bandages from my fight with a Dishwasher Hippo the other day, and opened it up, a sign of submission for Cart Snakes, and hoped for the best. It lowered itself, its strong stomach muscles tensing up as it touched the ground, and tilted its head. I smiled, knowing I had won the fight without fighting. Then the Cart Snake viciously opened its mouth and swallow me whole.
During the boring hours of sliding through its long, winding body, I had my trusty pocket laptop held out in front of me. I had time to write this blog, as well as watch a few Rip Vine compilations YouTube, and play solitaire for a few rounds, although I will admit the reception down there was pretty bad, so it was tough for some of the games to load. Well, the stench of stomach fluids are getting stronger, so I'm gonna go log off everything, and make sure all my games are saved. And if my sister asks if she can have my Lego sets, tell her no, and then say something like, "just because he isn't here still doesn't mean his Lego sets are yours," or something real "parenty" and such.
WOW that was a LOT of random babbling. Here's some info that might just clear up what the heck a Cart Snake and a Dishwasher Hippo.
|Rare footage of a Cart Snake ready to pounce|
Creature Name: Cart Snake / Cartius Serpentus
Nicknames: Shopping Cart Serpent, Cruel Cart Snake, CS
Eats: Pretty much anything
Habitat: Busy shopping stores
Least Favorite Creature: Humans
The Cart Snake is known for its hatred towards its users, which in this dimension are humans. It also can carry the most venomous of bites, but rarely uses it and prefers swallow its victims whole. It has been growing too fast in population lately, and is being cut down by professional cart hunters, trained to excel greatly at their occupation.
|A Dishwasher Hippo, with fully extended mouth|
Creature Name: Dishwasher Hippo / Appliancius Hippocus
Nicknames: The Dish Destroyer
Eats: Silverware and dishes, preferably china
Habitat: Dirty kitchens
Least Favorite Creature: None
The Dishwasher Hippo is a gentle species, unless you count the fact that it has two rows of over a thousand sharp teeth in each row. It also weighs from 10 to 14 tons and can grow to be at least four feet tall, wide, and long.